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                          Image courtesy of Boards of Canada. 

The tendency to defeat our own best laid plans has puzzled writers for centuries. The challenge of understanding self-defeating behaviors, what Aristotle called akrasia, has not been met. One distinction that appears in the literature is between decisions based on desires vs. decisions based on judgment. Models based on wanting satisfaction say that “people weigh the feeling of satisfaction that follows alternatives and selectively repeat those behaviors that lead to the most satisfaction.”(George Ainsle, Breakdown of Will, Cambridge University Press, 2001, p. 13.)

The “weighers” would say that people will most consistently follow those plans that offer maximum satisfaction, either subjectively in terms of psychic rewards like self pride, feelings of accomplishment, or sense of virtue; or objectively in terms of money, power or some material indices of prestige. Models based on judging (the so called “cognitive approach”) focus on how a person uses reason to relate to a hierarchy of needs or wants. If a person can find justifications and legitimations for their choices, this becomes the guiding light for conduct. (more…)

               Thanks to fliegender for permission to use this Photo.

A study out of the University of California, Berkeley supports the notion that those low in self-esteem have a stronger than normal reaction to rejection and disapproval. For the very socially anxious, the flight response, also known as repression and avoidance, tends to be the default position. This may not serve adult interests, of course, and suggests that those who are socially anxious to an abnormal degree may be doomed to others kinds of corollary risks as well.

I was recently reminded of this by a case of a marital break-up caused by an unwillingness to confront painful truths; she was too critical and bossy but he didn’t complain enough so eventually there was a split. To me as a bystander, the case highlighted a risk that the socially anxious run, namely, unwillingness to take feedback because it is read as criticism, and being avoidant and non assertive when it comes to confronting some one else’s objectionable behavior.Present pain is avoided but leads to much greater pain later. To me this is such a tragic and avoidable cost.

Below is a brief outline of the fundamentals of assertiveness. Assertiveness consists of three basic components:

1. The ability to to express feelings… for example, to accept and express anger, warmth and sexual feelings.

2. The ability to express beliefs and thoughts openly… being able to voice opinions, disagree and take a stand, even if it is emotionally hard to do and even if you have something to lose by doing so. (more…)

 
                  Thanks to st stev for permission to use this Photo.

I was rummaging through some old files when I came upon the term “intention deficit disorder “(IDD) What are its symptoms? Excessive rumination, frustration, existential guilt, self criticalness, inability to express opinions, inability to ask for things, there are feelings of regret, a sense of undeveloped fulfillment, lack of satisfaction in life…

Formerly this might have been called neuroses.  I don’t know where I got this term or whether I just happened to think it up myself, but it does have a certain ring of truth, especially as an alternate term for procrastination and being intimidated by one’s own anxiety, especially anxiety about social disapproval.  It is about failing to initiate an action whether to undertake a new endeavor, engage with another person or participate in some form of self expression. My friend Lewis and I had a lengthy discussion recently about ‘courageous conversations’ which covered some of the same territory. It’s all about fear.

Fear of speaking up about one’s true feelings or opinions for fear of alienating the other; fear of asking from something for fear of rejection; or fear of starting some new project for fear of failure.  The phrase from my notes of ‘being stuck on the backside of one’s illusions,’ which I think I got from NPR, points to the likelihood that many fears are unfounded but we don’t know it. The thing is to check things out from the external world and see if the fears of real or just a delusion.

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             Thanks to Rossina Bossio for permission to use this Photo.

No matter how beautiful or comforting a home is, if it is not built on a solid foundation it will surely crumble.  This analogy can be used for many things in our world, from ourselves to families to businesses to sports teams.  Having a strong foundation and core values will provide a solid base for everything else in life.  It’s not that everything else will come automatically, as anything in life worth achieving is worth working for.

There are many books published on the topic of motivation.  Some speak more scientifically and others more organizationally.  I have read a few of these books myself, as a self-employed entrepreneur keeping motivated is key.  After reading the book Perpetual Motivation by Dave Durand, I learned to take a step back and look inward to find the motivators to keep me positive and progressing.

Perpetual Motivation, like many motivational books and stories, has an equation to help keep you going.  The formula in the book was different from others I have seen, as it seemed more humbling and therefore more achievable.  The equation states motivation is the result of balance plus influence plus creativity plus a sense of humor minus runaway self-esteem.  Where Durand does a better job of describing all of these than myself, his exclusion of it being all about “me” and being about family and friends is a refreshing approach. (more…)